Updating my life.

Lately ive been thinking about fashion, and how i look. How i emit myself to the world. And needless to say i am not happy with how people see me or... maybe im not happy with how i see myself. Yes, stereotypes are bad, but would it hurt to see some of it. Maybe i do want people to see me as artsy, naive, cute, and smart. And maybe i want to feel that way, in order to feel secure with myself. It may sound silly to others... but i need to figure out a plan to feel this way,so that i can act the way i want to feel and should feel.

but how do i do that?

Titles

Mother, father, daughter, son, sister, brother, friend, and then theres boyfriend and girlfriend. So many titles, but to a young teen the last two are the most critical. when and why would you call your special girl or guy that title? When is it too early or too late?

Give your relationship time to grow in the begining. start by really getting to know the person as a friend, friendship is a great base for a true relationship and not a fling. But dont let the girl or guy start to think thats all youll ever be. If you want more than friendship(while keeping that frame) dont be afraid to step up to the plate and read the signs. Flirting comes in many shapes and forms now at days. The slightest tease, touch, or tone can mean something totally different than some may take it.

What are some good date ideas? Here are a few... Going to the park, having a picnic, going to the zoo or sequarium, going bowling or mini-golfing, going to a movie, to an exotic dining place for dinner, going to the beach, going to the museaum (art or science), and/or going to a drive in or going out on the water.

youll find in books and movies love is always a fairytale ending, but you really have to get up and off the couch to find out whats outside, cuz in reality its totally different. Try it and see what you find, maybe youll find that happily ever after, after all.

My long lost self.

Have you ever shed a tear for no reason? You weren't sad or happy, you were just content. Have you ever thought about just getting up one night to walk out the door and take a much needed walk? Insomnia. Thats what they call it, i cant sleep, and it might be because ive stayed up way to late talking to a great friend or because i just have so much going on in my mind. But ive thought about just walking out that front door. A flashlight in my hand, wearing nothing but my pj's and a jacket. And i wouldn't care if i was barefoot, feeling the gravel and thin blades of grass in between my toes because even if it hurt i wouldn't feel it. Im numb. In a trance. Thinking about ...nothing.. walking to ...no destination.

Wouldn't it be great to just let go? Literally and figurtively. To just not have a destination, if that is even possible. Can you not have a destination? or is mind always thinking a couple of steps ahead of you? Life is a series of questions. Bouncing inside your head. But when im in a trance, im just visibly there, but in my mind im somewhere else. close your eyes... and try and think of nothing, just try and youll see you cant do it. i only wish for just a moment or two i could just not think or stress over anything. To have almost a inner body cleansing.

Yes i am the girl who does her homework on time, who takes charge of group projects, who pays attention in class, and who loves her teachers (sometimes). But thats only one side, people have multi-dimensions, and only some people are allowed to see your sparkle-y side :)

I see myself as the girl who loves romance,fantasy, and mystery books. Who draws on her notebook in class. Who listens to any music that catches her attention. Whos not picky. Who wants everyone to get along, who wishes her parents were cooler, or that her and her sister got along better, or that life would slow down a whole lot for her to catch up and revel in the moments like an awsome first date or a fun pool party.

I wish i could soak up every memory to its fullest, instead of soaking up so much sun and looking like a cherry.

IF ONLY IF ONLY... "if"... i learned with a friend, a great friend, that if i didnt have that word in my life or vocabulary that dreams wouldn't be able to come true and i wouldn't be able to dream so hard.

Or maybe i just see myself as the girl who is just... A DREAMER.

New year= new me

Ok so this is my senior year which means its time to step up and change some things. Well its not change, not for anyone or any reason, but for me. Its what ive wanted to accomplish for myself, to be seen differently in a good way. Its like i want people to see what i see, and think, so they can see a different side of me. The side that is preppy yet fashionable, smart yet doesnt mind getting help, the part thats a leader and a follower, a creative girl and silent girl, loud and heard, but not abrassive, just amicable.

so its time for a new list-

Senior year:

1. always have a confident attitude

2. wear your style strong and proud

3. have and make alot of friends but always know the true ones and keep them close to your heart.

4. trust that your family will always have your back

5. everything has a purpose

6. soak in every senior picture to every senior privledge

7. dont look for things or people, let them come to you.

8. practice art, cuz you can only get better.

9. read, because it will take you somewhere else when you need to or want to.

10. last year is the past, this is a new year, be who you always have wanted to be.

Airports.

Airports are very interesting. Many are different. They all smell the same, sweat and impatience. And right now i finished my doughnuts and icetea for the morning. You always have to get to the airport early in the morning just to get there some what on time. The seats that im sitting on right now are super uncomfortable. Plastic and my butt is aching right now. And why must it rain in the sunshine state today?! And now im just listening to the song "Airplanes" by BOB. and Hayley williams. And i am also trying to make some wishes out of airplanes.

The sun is peaking through the puffy cotton candy like clouds and the ft. lauderdale airport is seaming to be a shinier place. While i text my best friend becky, whose also on her way to China, we wish each other luck on our hopefully good life changing journeys. She wants to become a translator, and she is very good with pronouncing languages and definately has the drive to become good at it. So i try and tell her to always keep striving for it. Its a career i definately could picture her doing.

Im starting to see the perks in traveling when youre alone, or just with two people. As oppossed to 4 passengers, its easier to get in through check-in, after being body searched and basically striping down to your skin and little clothes just to get the ok to go on board. But then again it is for our safety, so i try and not complain so much.

When you travel you panic first and rest later. Your mind can only be at ease once youre at the gate and when you land at your destination. The inflight movies are sometimes boring classics or hip movies you haven't seen since you were in middle school. Personally i always remember the plots of most movies so i usually like to watch something no more than 3 times. Although i've seen "Nemo" like 100 times. But when they show the classics like "Wild hogs" you cant help but watch and laugh. So ive never been totally upset with the airplane entertainment. Lets hope this time is no different.

Take off is in about 30 so pray for me. Crossing fingers. Oh dear god, i need some sleep, after pressing the snooze button 5 times this morning. I watched my mom get mad at her iphone, getting her own password wrong like 5 times each time her alarm on her phone rang with a speaker that felt like it was a huge amp yelling at us like a drill sargent. Instead i watched her get mad at an the phone while half asleep, only to pull the covers over her head and go back to snoring again. So no, i didn't get any sleep.

In dire need of a fresh start.

My summer has definately not started the way i wanted it to. Some friends ditched me, my dads been commuting for work, and my sister left for a sleep away camp. Which left me sometimes in a bad position, i think i finally see the perks to having a sister and not being an only child. But there were sometimes when i got together with friends and felt really happy. (in between the watching tv, eatting, showering, and exercising, which is basically all ive done.) I saw Toy story 3 with my mom and had a crepe dinner, which was fabulous. Another day me and my mom got mani-pedi's and went shopping with another quick but always good dinner (wendy's-burger and fries) YUM! and one day i went out with my best friends to a local ice cream place (tuti-fruiti) and played cards alot and talked about .... just about everything. And another day, in my mist of 2wks. of hell, i had a very nice evening with a great guy friend, brian. We played horrible scrabble @ starbucks and talked mostly. We were both very tired, him from working at a camp with alot of kids all day and doing sports and me from doing nothing and for some reason being really tired all the time. I feel like im catching up on all the sleep i lost during my junior year of high school, and maybe even preparing for the hours im gonna loose in senior year. hmmm....

I was really mad at some of my friends. And my old boy friend. But now i see that i cant do anything. No matter how quickly my life changed, or how much the big guy up stairs is sending me alot of curve balls. Ive decided that my trip to Detroit and NYC combined with this summer before senior year i will turn into a better person. I wont push for love, ill let it find me. Ill work on being more responsible with family roles and my presidential role @ NAHS in school. I have alot of plans for next year. But this summer im gonna focus on just getting away from the sunshine state to explore a new place, and hopefully meet some really nice new people, maybe even friends.

Well i gotta wake up at 4:40 AM tomorrow morining so i should go. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I have my 4 leaf clover, horse shoe, and rabits foot in my pocket already. Just for some extra good luck ;)

My bags are stuffed to capacity and my moms gotten no sleep and probably wont. guess were set. night.

Summer Lovin'

If i change my hair color or cut it will i be different? If i get a whole new wardrobe or put on a new persona will i not be myself? Who would i be? just another clone of someone else? putting on an act. Ive done that for too long, i cant afford to loose myself anymore. This summer im working on applications to colleges. Working at an art studio. A job i love and one that inspires me. Not many do that all the time. I hope to always have one like that. If i am so worthy to have one. Also this summer im traveling. not far but not home. Id be a lazy person if i stayed home all day and stuff but this summer i just want to spend as much time of it with friends and being productive. And finding myself. or i should say more of myself. And i do so when im with them, comfortably happy and joyous. Like the other night i had a great time just having some nice good food and desert and watching a classic movie (indiana jones) with 2 best friends. Blue or blackberry shortcake, sausage, hamburgers, home made lemonade, a classic movie, and good company makes a great night. I soaked it in, and all i wanted was it to never end. Feeling secure, safe, peaceful,and happy. I want the whole summer that way. Who knows maybe it will be that way. My goal is to do only so much planning this summer, to let things come and go. Let people invite me, and trust and be more open to things.(as my big brother says) HECK! ill do what brian wants and go paintballing.(giggles) Ill give him a wide shot. ill wear new earings. Take new pictures and write ,read,buy new things. ill find what im looking for.

Not every lesson can be found in a book, or in black and white, or through others experience, only through your own. there is where you'll find salvation. So i plan to have more calming nights like those ,and fun and productive days. Ill feel more complete afterwards. I like feeling accomplished. But even though i love to plan things, sometimes i need to just go with the flow, and there is one of my many faults. ( i think they say the first step to recovery is accepting ur flaws or admiting ur denial) right? (smiles)

- Listening to lifehouse

Its the music for tonight, my soundtrack for now. night.or good morning.

in life it depends. :D